Brief POI. (Point-Of-Information)

Yo. So our trip ended like two weeks ago.

"I ate some bugs, I ate some grass, I use my hands to wipe my...TEARS"

Thursday June 25
Word: Queef Bandit
Definition: (1) Stealthy/sneaky Queefers (2) Audrey Siple

This word picked itself in the back window of our untinted car while it was parked in the Coors Brewery parking lot. Pretty sure Golden, Colorado thinks we are a bunch of Queef Bandits ourselves....oopsies.

Short summary of today: Coors Brewery Tour. Best. Day. EVER. Free tour. Free beers at the end. No food all day + Being 10,000 feet above sea level = Balls and Clarissa is a little bit drunk! Clarissa bought the entire gift shop by mistake (because she was drunk.) Marketing geniuses. Who put the gift shop after the bar with the free beers!?!?!? Fucking queef bandits that's who!! Thanks to Jess for being not 21 and driving our drunk asses across Colorado after.

We would like to hold a blog silence for Michael Jackson who died while we were drunk/drinking in the Coors Brewery.





[End Silence]

Mourning Haiku's by Clarissa and Balls [after Brewery tour]

Michael Jackson DIED,
All the little boys are sad,
He's dead, we were drunk.
~ Clarissa

Man in the Mirror,
You left me here all alone,
Moonwalk by myself.
~ Balls

[end mourning haikus] [begin haikus for our general drunk pleasure]

Charley the mammoth,
handsomest mammoth ever,
hey, hey you. Beer me.
~ ClarissaDUH

Lean, Juicy Bacon,
I want you in my mouth NOW,
You can't hide from me.
~BallsDUH

What else were we supposed to do in the car?? Except listen to NOW 4, 5, 11, and 23???


Now its time to go,
Burlington Inn's beds call us,
Big hug, little kiss.

~ Clarissa and Balls...and Jess asleep cause driving drunk asses all day is tiring.

"Hello. My name is Wood, Morning Wood."

One Week worth of....
Hot N' Cold: 9
Bryan Adams: 5 (Jess actually put it on once without saying anything!)
Clarissa Coffee: Legit probably....around 40

Thursday June 18th
Word: Tit Lips
Accomplished today: Drive from Death Valley to Vegas
Things to do in the desert: 1) Eat salt 2) Start a fire 3) Bear hug companions 4) hold your breath --- you will survive if all of this is done.
One Liner: Death Valley is the awesomest suckiest place EVER!

Friday June 19th
Word: We forgot to do it because we were hung over from our night out on the strip in VEGAS with Kate and vegas friends. Shiny, bright lights....could not stop staring or drinking. Jess and Balls failed at their one attempt at gambling at the dollar slot machine. Little bitch. Guess we ended up down one dollar....
Accomplished: Ridiculously cool hike down to the Colorado River by the Hoover Dam. Swimming commenced. Boys with illegal things to smoke joined us and tried to get us to jump off rocks. Fail. Played pong with Kate's friends in their garage. Jess obtained the nickname "College" after she called them lightweights...Then they beat her and Kate at pong....ha.

Saturday June 20th
Word: Jerk Chunk
Accomplished: Left Vegas and went to Zion National Park and rode the shuttle around the park. Saw really fat squirrels. Left and camped on random dirt road on the side of the highway. Kate made us dinner. We played slumber party games in the tent. Clarissa likes Jess because Jess burps loudly and then apologizes to Clarissa and says, "It had to happen." Clarissa likes Balls because...."[she] gets up every morning. And goes to the bathroom. And slams the door. then rummages around the refrigerator for bacon."

Sunday June 21st (one month anniversary of trip!)
Word: Ho Folds
Definition: The geography surrounding the slut canyons; the ridges and crevices created by liquid flowing in/around the slut canyons of the Southwest.
Accomplished: Angel's Landing hike in Zion. Cliffs. Chains. Falling to imminent death was beaten. We ascended what we later found out was actually Kate's throne...her wilderness throne where she courts all her subjects...who happen to be chipmunks. Kate is the Queen of Chipmunks as well as the Queen of Rainbows. She is one with nature. Later - drive to North Rim of Grand Canyon. Camp with fire and beer. Good.

Quote: "Dick's float!" - Kate Prengaman [she will provide photographic evidence if needed] (we are still learning from our sex columnist!)

Monday June 22nd
Word: Cooch Waffle
Accomplished: Hike 2 miles down Grand Canyon. Go through a tunnel. View is underwhelming. Kate keeps running down the canyon because she is Clarissa's female Bear Grylls. Clarissa, Jess, and Balls hike back up the 2 miles and BITCH the whole way. It was steep and hot. Stupid Grand Canyon! We almost hit a deer too. In the car on the way to a view point. Good on us if we didn't. Drive towards Bryce Canyon. Camp in the forest outside of the park. No fire or beer. But ramen was had as well as showers!

Tuesday June 23rd
Word: Rectum Biter
Definition: Hoodoos of Bryce Canyon ie Phalluses
Accomplished: Ate a real breakfast. Hiked 5 miles in Bryce Canyon. Beautiful. Rocks. So many phalluses. Phallus Palace. Say goodbye to Kate and start driving east towards Capital Reef. Almost hit a cow. No really it decided it wanted to cross the road in front of the car. Cunt Wrangler. Camp in Capital Reef N.P. Weirdest place ever. Full of Mormons and bitch camp hosts. Only Elizabeth the park ranger may have been normal. But mostly she was hot.

Quotes:
"I'm like a cockroach robot. I'm like the size of you...and I have 6 arms."
~ Kid in a bathing suit wearing sunglasses, huge headphones, a walkman, with a clipboard attached to his pants. [butt crack sighting...oopsies.]

"...Pork the park ranger...She's hot!"
~ Clarissa about Elizabeth the park ranger who will show us how to make fire with sticks at 9pm if we are interested.

Wednesday June 24th
Word: Twat Face
Definition: Campsite host man who wanted to make sure we were awake at 8am.
Accomplished: Saw Petroglyphs. Hiked 2 miles in Capital Reef. Left the weird Mormon park that only freaked us out. Ate lunch at a subway. Saw the weirdest tour group ever get off their bus. Observed the freakazoids make their way through life. Drove to Arches National Park. Overwhelmed with pre-pubescent shirtless boy scouts and some post-pubescent shirtless college boys....why are they all here...and shirtless?? Farmers tans galore! Hike to Delicate Arch in 100 degree heat and then find a boyscout convention at the arch. No shirts. Annoying conversations yet entertaining. Arches N.P. = Phallus Palace #2. HALF MILE HIKE (fav) to Double arch where Indiana Jones was filmed? Not big enough dorks to remember...Hit two more birds on our drive this afternoon!!!!

Slumber Party tent game night #2: Clarissa decided she likes Jess because she is honest, kind, loyal and trustworthy. funny joke.

Quote: "Unless fucking Black Hawk Down the extinct Indian made this with his dying fingernail it's NOT worth $75, lady."
~ Clarissa about a ring

We are in Grand Junction, Colorado. Beds at the Motel6 will never feel this nice again probably. Tomorrow we are driving to Denver/Boulder and the only plan is to do the Coors Brewery Tour....really why would we do anything else? Nothing else necessary. 3 free beers? YES.

peace out ho folds,
Jess, Clarissa, Balls, and Charles

"Slow for the Cone Zone"

Hot N' Cold: 0
Bryan Adams: 0
C.C.C: 4

La Palabra Creativa of the Dia: Nipple Beater
Pronunciation: Be-at yo-ur nip-pl-e
Definition: One who chafes his/her nipple via scaling any or all of the tats that exist in Yosemitit.

Finally began our Journey back East.
Said goodbye to the boys and to San Francisco at approx 8am... . . . Not before returning Titanic to Blockbuster, mailing some Daddy's Day cards and continuing to forget to air out our damp, dank tent-without-a-rain-fly. Bitches and Hos. More on this later. When we open her up. And die. Die like Leo in Titanic. Die like Edward Cullen 200 years ago. Die like Will Smith in 7 pounds. Die like Mufasa in Lion King. Die like Anakin Skywalker. Die like Dumbledore and Seriously Black. Die.

Also, we're heading towards Death Valley.

Stuff that learned good today:

1.) Yosemite National Park, CA.
a. We drove through it.
b. It is full of nipples (or as we were corrected: Monoliths.)
c. The funnest thing to do there is to climb the biggest nipple in the area... slash IN THE WORLD: Half Dome. You need to use cables to ascend the last 400ft. [See above definition for nipple beating.]
d. Too bad we got too drunk Monday night to actually plan out a day for camping and hiking in Yosemite. Too late to cry over spilled Bud Light Lime.

2.) Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2.
a. Third night straight of shit movies.
b. You can cry about your sad, sad family life for a long, long time.
c. When your girlfriend lies about being pregnant for to marry you. And you marry. You annul that shit.
d. You can fly to Greece. Tomorrow. On your friend's dad's miles.
e. Tomorrow night will be Sailor's Moon. We hope you find what you are looking for. Just remember to wear white.

3.) The question of Christiana Johnson's Virginity ("The Christy Problem")
Scenario: Chirsty locked in a 5x5 room - with no windows - with a Caitlin Horan and a Grace Hwang.
Music: Pretty Ricky; Grind On Me.
Result: Obvious.

4.) Cockroaches.
a. We saw one.
b. Sick.

Parting Quotes:

"Someone had a five dollar foot long somewhere 'cause my pants were unbuttoned." - Clarissa and Christy still arguing about the events on Christy's birthday party night, one and half years later

"I'm pretty sure my cat with a limp could push my grandma in a wheelchair up this hill, faster than this car is going." - Jessica Dupont

"Duu-pontt. You Liiied." - Spoken by a pubescent resident of a teenage psychiatric hospital to Mr. Dupont, father of Jessica.


We are meeting Kate underneath a Circus tent tomorrow evening. Excitement!
Can't wait to make her milk a cactus.

Christiana, Jessica, Clarissa, CHARLEY.

"You are my own personal brand of heroin, San Francisco"

If you're going to San Francisco
be sure to stay
in an apartment full of booze

Bryan Adams: not many
Hot N' Cold: more than Bryan Adams
Clarissa Coffee count: .........in a week? at least.....69 (HAHAHAHAHA) [maturity]

June 9th - Curse Word of the Day: Cooch Wad
Definition: Bella from Twilight

Stuff we did: We slept in, hung out with Clarissa's aunt, then drove down to the Stanford. It was fun when we got lost, but it's okay. Eventually we found the campus and then walked around it and realized how it was very European looking - with creepy statues everywhere....no sightings, however, of Clarissa's Ultimate Goddess MELISSA THE ASIAN.

June 10th - Curse Word of the Day: Twat Wanker
Definition: A bitch in denial

Stuff we did: Wondered to downtown SanFran where we saw many hobos and interestingly dressed individuals and lots of Asians. We sat at Cafe Madeleine and had beverages and watched out the window and judged every person that walked by. Also watched a 2056 model of some sporty Mercedes get ticketed for not feeding the meter!! Hahaha suckers! Then we watched the owner come out with her tooly boyfriend and her fur coat and yell angerly at him like it was his fault. It was hilar. We walked home via biggest hills ever and all of us had heart attacks.

Arrival of POCH approximately 9:30pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i.e. we/balls managed to stay sober enough to drive to the airport and pick her up!! YAY!

Quote: [Clarissa talking about running a marathon to the sweet singing of Mark McGrath (SugarRay idiots)] "Slipped, tripped, fell on your dick. I don't want to shag or anything." [WHAT THE FUCK?]

June 11th - Curse Word of the Day: Tampon Rammer
Definition: Edward Cullen
JESS'S HALF BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Stuff we did: Figured out the bus system of SanFran which runs on weird cable power and makes weird noises and made it down to Fisherman's Warf - for to see sea lions and tourists and ghirardelli (fuck why is that a real word it is impossible to spell) square. Jess impressed us all with her sea lion impressions. Balls drooled over a two story carousel. And we all got lice from the crazy hat store. Okay not really. We decided to have a fancy dinner and sit at the big huge round table in Casa Delgado and use the lazy susan to pass around the food and wine. The notes in Jess's notebook are currently getting scribbly-er and scribbly-er as each member of the group drank more and more wine. Conversation apparently moved from subjects such as religion, communism, socialism, world war, ethics, family histories, naturally all moving toward an hour long +++ conversation about Ultimate - During which Poch lectured most of the time and made animal analogies to the game.

Quotes: "It was just like watching a flock of birds fo after a Cheeto!" - Poch about practicing swing cuts/break cuts
"You're a fucking eagle getting that fucking salmon our of the lake! You SNATCH IT! And you only give it away if it is the BEST bear friend you've ever had and you will ever seeeeee." - Poch talking about catching the disc......Jess DEFinitely fucked up the transcribing of the quote.

June 12th - Curse Word of the Day: Slut Bucket
Definition: Audrey Siple

Stuff we did: Nothing....literally. We were really, really hung over. Watched youtube a lot and complained about a lot of things....

June 13th - Curse Word of teh Day: Jerk Plug
Definition: Govenor Blagoghevavich from Chicago with the bad hair.

Stuff we did: Woke up at a decent hour in the morning and dragged our asses into the car and drove across the Golden Gate Bridge which is - in fact - RED. What the hell, bullshit san francisco! We wanted golden phalluses all over that bitch. Anyways we walked halfway across and looked at the water and the boats and the asians taking pictures and the couple necking as they walked across the bridge. Hickeyyyysssss. Then we drove on to do a strenuous hike around the Muir Woods and beach. For to see more huge trees and take inappropriate pictures with them. Return to casa Delgado where a rousing game of 'Most Likely' ensued and Balls got 'most likely to fuck a mermaid.' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GET SOME.

June 14th - Curse Word of the Day: Mother wipe
Definition: Rose Dawson

Stuff we did: Went on the Ferry to Alcatraz!!! Spending most of the day at a prison was wonderful. We did the idiot proof audio tour and tried not to get in the way of the crazy foreign tourists wandering the jail cells and trying to take peace sign pictures in the open cells. We spent most of the afternoon making plans about dinner (duh) and decided fajitas were the best most delishious option. It was done. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Food....too much. uncomfortable tummies. Tums in the car 17 floors underneath us. fail.

June 15th - Curse Word of the Day: Fuck Stain
Definition: AuBrey Arnold and Ali Cano

Stuff we did: Wandered around downtown again and Chinatown where we got delish chinese food for lunch. Balls got an amazing 2 dollah! tshirt and we all played with those weird hand massage balls that jingle....we decided the larger size balls are better than the smaller ones. Then we went to the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) and looked at things that are apparently considered art and also may have actually been created by Balls in preschool. Good thing we got the student discount. [No but really it was cool, I [Balls] just have a problem with modern art and I'm not trying to diss it for anyone that cares] [But really I am tryna diss it.]
It was decided we needed to watch Twilight since Balls and Clarissa had not seen it or know anything about it and Jess and Poch wanted to jizz their pants over Edward Cullen. So we did. However drinking took place before, during, and after to make it more....better....and amusing. Poch and Jess jizzed, Clarissa and Balls....no summary available. Too drunk.

Clarissa came up with the fabulous idea of vampire popsicles. It involves an object similar to the shape of popsicles....and blood....and clarissa's dirty dirty dirty nasty ewww just stop trying to think of what this term might actually mean I am sorry i even mentioned it.

June 16th - Curse Word of the Day: Jizz Rocket
Definition: Edward Cullen in that kissing scene in the bedroom...he should probably not jizz so much it propels him across the room into a door frame.

Stuff we did: Drove Poch to the Airport at 5:30 AM because she had to go home to Virginia due to knee complications. LAME. But it's okay. We failed at going to Yosemite for the day cause we decided sleeping and cleaning and errands and watching Titanic was a better choice. DEFinitely the better choice. Jess had not seen Titanic. Fail. Not anymore. She did not cry though and that disappointed...mostly Balls. Punched. Hodges and company are here for the night on their epic road trip. Imagine that. Three girls and three boys all adventuring america in their youth. GOOD ON THEM IF THEY ARE.

Tomorrow morning we leave Casa Delgado for good and venture to Death Valley, CA for the night/day to test our wits at the 114 degree heat....not even a joke. Look at weather.com. Then we are meeting Kate in VEGAS on Thursday to spend an epic night there and then we head to the Grand Canyon and Southern Utah national parks!! WOOOO!

heading east babyyyyy,
balls jess clarclar and charley

WHY are there no asses in the windows??

[estimations made due to long period of time since last post]
Bryan Adams: 4
Hot N' Cold: 5
Clarissa Coffee Count: 28

Curse Words of the Day:
6/3 : Nipple Chunk - a chunk of your nipple that gets cold; the part that becomes visible when nipples become cold.
6/4 : Diaper Fungus - pronunciation: dye-ah-per fuh-ng-gus; definition - baby brother got syphilis from Mom. "A baby with syphilis discharge."
6/5 : 'Gina Sniffer - one that enjoys the smell/scent/odor of fish
6/6 : Granny Monkey - monkey with a really crinkley cooch
6/7 : Scum Face - jizz. in. my. face.
6/8 : Pube Gobbler - one that tweezes out people's pubes and proceeds to gobble on pubes
6/9 : Cooch Wad - a tampon

SIGNIFICANT OCCURRENCES OF THE PAST WEEK:

Intrepid travellers escape from the swine flu!! Spokane, Washington... the beginning of the end. After yet another sterile, dry hotel, the girls finally feel BETTER, Jess stays awake for more than 2 hours consecutively, and the ladies decide to try to salvage their plans to visit Oregon before voyaging down to San Francisco. After changing plans 8734873984 times, contact is made with Australian friend Derek, who lives in Newport, OR. Girlcamp for one night on the Northern Oregon coast (goodbye hotels!) before trekking down Route 101 to the Marine Science center of Oregon State University. Clatskannkie = town off of Rt 101 im not even kidding that's its legit name. Thursday afternoon... arrive in Newport. See aussieboy, he takes us to a beach where we hike/ climb up a rock/ cliff above the ocean to watch a sunset. And... no sunset happens, but the rocks were cool! Huge slugs in Oregon... also lots of seaweed, as pointed out by australianboy/ marine biology enthusiast. Fell asleep to MI3 on the couches of Derek and roommates after a hilarious? humiliating? deceptive? game of Wii Golf. Jess is really good at playing with the clubs, to say the least.

Finally, Friday afternoon, after a tour of the Newport visitor's center aquarium and an exhilarating game of sand volleyball (we ROCK at vball bitchez), other australian friend Julia arrives in Newport and the group of 5 proceeds down to Ashland, OR to spend the night with third and final australian friend brittany. 3 intrepid travellers fall asleep on the (carpeted!) floor of Brittany while Derek makes steak? and other girls make guacamole. Ok...?

Wake up on Saturday morning and drive down into Northern CA to Jededededediah Smith State Park, home of some majorly large Redwood trees. The group of random australian friends/ random mother huckers camps under the trees. Swimming ensues for select members of the group, but more importantly, EVERYONE YODELS. Yodelleeeeeeeeeehiiiiiiiihooooooooooooo. The neighbors love it, but most importantly... best King's Cup rule ever.

Sunday morning... wake up swim, and then camp is packed up and the group heads further south down Rt 1o1 to find another campsite. We stopped in a Redwood forest filled with HUGELY enormous trees that we could climb over. Ballsy swears she found a tree that was itself featured in Return of the Jedi. Charley gets presented as a babeh cub to the Redwood Forest Nation. There are elk among the Redwoods. Elk, we saw them. Antlers and fur. We hiked through Fern Canyon... GO THERE. It was amazing! It's a maybe 100 ft tall canyon covered on both sides with green ferns, with a stream running through the middle. Many socks were soaked, but it was a great hike. Probably more than 1/2 mile... MAJOR workout. Night spend freezing, drinking more Coors Light from bottles in another Redwood grove with crazy Lion King 2 sweatshirt-wearing wine-drinking neighbors. Stories about testicles... uh... will never be forgotten. Thanks Derek?

Monday morning, the travellers wake up with San Francisco in their sights. Pack up camp, dishes done, we decide to cut over to I-5 on some mountainous road... NEVER TAKE MOUNTAINOUS ROADS. Construction out the ass, stopping about every 5 minutes. Suddenly, as we wind around the curves of little Rt. 299, Clarissa begins giggling uncontrollably from the backseat. Balls and Jess turn around, bewildered, wondering what could POSSIBLY be so funny after stopping so many times for the FUCKING construction work on this road. Well, everytime we go around a turn (this road is very windy, mind you), "It's like my bladder is pressing on my tickle spot!" Tickle spot. Squinty asian eyes... aaaaaaaaaahahahahaha my tickle spot my tickle spot giggle giggle laugh snort giggle. After a rousing game of guessing how old Balls's socks are... arrival in SAN FRAN. wooooooooooooowooowoooooo! Clarissa's family apt is gorgeous and overlooks basically all of the city, 360 degrees.

Tuesday... we discover the apt has alcohol from every single country in the entire world. Also, as we sit drinking individual pots of coffee on Fillmore Street, a young man walks by in a plaid skirt with both, that would be TWO, ass cheeks hanging out, jiggling along as he promenades down the sidewalk in front of us. Mouth agape... but alas, no reaction in time for a picture. Oops. Imaginations. After a visit to the also gorgeous Stanford University (no sightings of Melissa, of the same pod as Shamu, Dreads and Skunky), the girls return to the apt, beer, food, and one blockbuster membership in tow, and sit at... 413 your time writing you this blog update.

Swine flu, allergies, leeches, and PMS averted,

Jess, Balls, Clarissa via Casa Delgado. Poch tomorrow!

For to get Swine Flu

Bryan Adams: 0
Hot N' Cold: 0
Clarissa Coffee count: 4

6/2 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Swine Flu
Pronunciation: pig fucking flu
Definition: (1) Jessica Dupont (2) Peggy Newman; possible definitions (3) Clarissa Delgado (4) Christy Johnson
Use: For to get the country sick.

Today we spent half our morning in Shelby, Montana's greatest medical care, clinic, emergency room, hospital place EVER. Everyone that worked there was either fat or retarded....most likely both. Seriously it was like the twilight zone in there. It was creeeeeeepy. Anyways Jess was not feeling very well and we knew that we had been exposed to the flu since Peggy got it the day we left Chicago....PEGGY! Why, Peggy, must you get every ailment ever known to man!

So after we waited for like an hour with Jess disappeared into the back with the weird nurses and doctors she came out with a positive test for the flu and an ear infection. Pooooor little Zessica! Then Clarissa and Balls had to check in with the creepy desk people and go back with the weird nurse and doctor to get preventative flu medication....where all three of us got treated like we were possibly the dumbest creatures on earth. We are pretty sure that right about now every single resident of Shelby, MT (all 57 of them) know who we are, our story, and that we have infected their small, useless community with a worldwide pandemic disease. Oopsies.

So we got our drugs and peaced out and drove out of the great state of Montana, through Idaho, and into Spokane, WA - so Jess can infect another state with the flu. [No official word on if it's actually Swine Flu yet.]

Story worth mentioning: We pulled in to a random gas station somewhere in Western Montana, town population = 25 or something along those lines. At the station we found the entire state of Montana's sheriff department converged all over the "Town Pump." We soon found out that apparently three fugitives had broken out of jail and two were at the gas station, probably 5 minutes before we got there. The police were called and two of them were arrested but the third one was still missing......needless to say we got out of there pretty fast! Although we would have been happy to help out by sending Jess after the third guy so she could cough on him and give him swine flu. We decided the Montana Sheriff department probably had it under control. After all, they definitely do not seem to do anything else....like sit on the highway and catch speeders....

Due to recent developments/illnesses we have decided to cancel the rest of our trip around Washington and Oregon and head straight to San Francisco. We should get there Thursday and have lots of time to rest up and get healthy in the apartment of Delgado before Poch arrives next week! WOO POCH! I hope you like sick people!


we love Tamiflu,
the 3 dumb college kids spreading disease to Montana/Idaho/Washington/we have the west coast covered


disclaimer: We in no way/shape/form blame Peggy Newman for infecting us with the Swine Flu....completely....okay only like....45% her fault. No but really, we still love you Peggy! :)