One Week worth of....
Hot N' Cold: 9
Bryan Adams: 5 (Jess actually put it on once without saying anything!)
Clarissa Coffee: Legit probably....around 40
Thursday June 18th
Word: Tit Lips
Accomplished today: Drive from Death Valley to Vegas
Things to do in the desert: 1) Eat salt 2) Start a fire 3) Bear hug companions 4) hold your breath --- you will survive if all of this is done.
One Liner: Death Valley is the awesomest suckiest place EVER!
Friday June 19th
Word: We forgot to do it because we were hung over from our night out on the strip in VEGAS with Kate and vegas friends. Shiny, bright lights....could not stop staring or drinking. Jess and Balls failed at their one attempt at gambling at the dollar slot machine. Little bitch. Guess we ended up down one dollar....
Accomplished: Ridiculously cool hike down to the Colorado River by the Hoover Dam. Swimming commenced. Boys with illegal things to smoke joined us and tried to get us to jump off rocks. Fail. Played pong with Kate's friends in their garage. Jess obtained the nickname "College" after she called them lightweights...Then they beat her and Kate at pong....ha.
Saturday June 20th
Word: Jerk Chunk
Accomplished: Left Vegas and went to Zion National Park and rode the shuttle around the park. Saw really fat squirrels. Left and camped on random dirt road on the side of the highway. Kate made us dinner. We played slumber party games in the tent. Clarissa likes Jess because Jess burps loudly and then apologizes to Clarissa and says, "It had to happen." Clarissa likes Balls because...."[she] gets up every morning. And goes to the bathroom. And slams the door. then rummages around the refrigerator for bacon."
Sunday June 21st (one month anniversary of trip!)
Word: Ho Folds
Definition: The geography surrounding the slut canyons; the ridges and crevices created by liquid flowing in/around the slut canyons of the Southwest.
Accomplished: Angel's Landing hike in Zion. Cliffs. Chains. Falling to imminent death was beaten. We ascended what we later found out was actually Kate's throne...her wilderness throne where she courts all her subjects...who happen to be chipmunks. Kate is the Queen of Chipmunks as well as the Queen of Rainbows. She is one with nature. Later - drive to North Rim of Grand Canyon. Camp with fire and beer. Good.
Quote: "Dick's float!" - Kate Prengaman [she will provide photographic evidence if needed] (we are still learning from our sex columnist!)
Monday June 22nd
Word: Cooch Waffle
Accomplished: Hike 2 miles down Grand Canyon. Go through a tunnel. View is underwhelming. Kate keeps running down the canyon because she is Clarissa's female Bear Grylls. Clarissa, Jess, and Balls hike back up the 2 miles and BITCH the whole way. It was steep and hot. Stupid Grand Canyon! We almost hit a deer too. In the car on the way to a view point. Good on us if we didn't. Drive towards Bryce Canyon. Camp in the forest outside of the park. No fire or beer. But ramen was had as well as showers!
Tuesday June 23rd
Word: Rectum Biter
Definition: Hoodoos of Bryce Canyon ie Phalluses
Accomplished: Ate a real breakfast. Hiked 5 miles in Bryce Canyon. Beautiful. Rocks. So many phalluses. Phallus Palace. Say goodbye to Kate and start driving east towards Capital Reef. Almost hit a cow. No really it decided it wanted to cross the road in front of the car. Cunt Wrangler. Camp in Capital Reef N.P. Weirdest place ever. Full of Mormons and bitch camp hosts. Only Elizabeth the park ranger may have been normal. But mostly she was hot.
Quotes:
"I'm like a cockroach robot. I'm like the size of you...and I have 6 arms."
~ Kid in a bathing suit wearing sunglasses, huge headphones, a walkman, with a clipboard attached to his pants. [butt crack sighting...oopsies.]
"...Pork the park ranger...She's hot!"
~ Clarissa about Elizabeth the park ranger who will show us how to make fire with sticks at 9pm if we are interested.
Wednesday June 24th
Word: Twat Face
Definition: Campsite host man who wanted to make sure we were awake at 8am.
Accomplished: Saw Petroglyphs. Hiked 2 miles in Capital Reef. Left the weird Mormon park that only freaked us out. Ate lunch at a subway. Saw the weirdest tour group ever get off their bus. Observed the freakazoids make their way through life. Drove to Arches National Park. Overwhelmed with pre-pubescent shirtless boy scouts and some post-pubescent shirtless college boys....why are they all here...and shirtless?? Farmers tans galore! Hike to Delicate Arch in 100 degree heat and then find a boyscout convention at the arch. No shirts. Annoying conversations yet entertaining. Arches N.P. = Phallus Palace #2. HALF MILE HIKE (fav) to Double arch where Indiana Jones was filmed? Not big enough dorks to remember...Hit two more birds on our drive this afternoon!!!!
Slumber Party tent game night #2: Clarissa decided she likes Jess because she is honest, kind, loyal and trustworthy. funny joke.
Quote: "Unless fucking Black Hawk Down the extinct Indian made this with his dying fingernail it's NOT worth $75, lady."
~ Clarissa about a ring
We are in Grand Junction, Colorado. Beds at the Motel6 will never feel this nice again probably. Tomorrow we are driving to Denver/Boulder and the only plan is to do the Coors Brewery Tour....really why would we do anything else? Nothing else necessary. 3 free beers? YES.
peace out ho folds,
Jess, Clarissa, Balls, and Charles
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