Hello world. We are sending you a very abbreviated version of our normal blogginess from an Arby's in godknowswhere Montana since our hotel somehow did not have internet last night. Since we last posted, we have driven through SD and WY. In SD we stopped and saw the Corn Palace in Mitchell. Weird. But hilarious. Then we stopped at Walldrug, which you should probably Google in any attempt to understand how FUCKING weird that shit was. Moreso than the Corn Phallus OOPS Corn Palace. Weirder. We have decided that everything in the Midwest falls into one of two categories: Nonexistent or weird. We stayed in the Badlands in SD and camped and saw lots of rocks and grass and prairie dogs and did a strenuous half-mile hike to whip us back into shape after traversing half of the US in a blue four-door. Then we drove to Mt Rushmore. THE HEART OF AMERICA AND DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM. Here we looked at stone faces of presidents past and tried to take the most inappropriate pictures we could doing things to their faces. [Pictures to come when we are not in an Arbys]
Swamp ass... jungle butt(?) very much present as the sun beats down upon us as we ride into the sunset in the heart of Wyoming. WYOMING was beeeaaaauuuutiful. We saw Devil's Tower Natl Monument and some aliens... oh wait that was Clarissa attempting to sing in the backseat. Then we made it through to Billings Montana. FUCKING BILLINGS never go there unless you want to die or at least shit out everything youve eaten since.... Chicago. When you last did it. Pepto Bismal was not effective. Neither was Zorro 2. However it did make for the prettiest puke we have ever seen....PINK! Balls is officially sure she is allergic to artichokes....not even kidding. Wtf? Artichokes????? FUCK.
List of Creative Curse Words: We will leave these ones up to your own interpretation...comment if you think you have a good one! [These ones are pretty amazing]
5/29 - Queef Clot
5/30 - Piss Jammer
5/31 - Dildo Lover
Quotes:
"Why is the speed limit 25? I'm going 60." ~ Balls
Clar: Are you playing emo music because of the Rockies, Balls?
Balls: No...why??
Clar: Are you getting senti??
Balls: No, why would I be senti for the Rockies?
Clar: I dont' know...Coors.
"Butte...FUCK!" - Balls [There is a place named Butte, MT. We are almost there. It is entertaining.]
Smells like poop tally for may 30th - 4
Clarissa Coffee count for friday and saturday: 8
Hot N Cold: 2
Bryan Adams: 2
On our way to Glacier, MT....still.
no more artichokes.....create....poop sandwich....a lot,
Baljesclar
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Fuck, Chuck, or Toe Suck
Bryan Adams: 0
Hot N' Cold: 1
Clarissa Coffee count: 4
Creative Curse Word of the Day: Snot Sniffer Pronunciation: sn-aahhh-t sn-ih-ff-rrrr Definition: When you try to snot rocket but it doesn't work so you have to sniff it back up. Like on cross-country. [Clarissa] [Apparently this happens a lot] Use: Clarissa while running cross country. REAL gross.
Today we drove from Chicago to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Route 90 West has become our best friend. We stopped in Madison, Wisconsin and drove to the campus of U. Wisc. aka Home of Dreads' and her flick huck. Also home of Midget girl and her low backhand. [Dear Peggy's Sister Erin, go to Wisconsin and get ON THAT TEAM.] There we got Clarclar coffee (obvi) and all of us CHEESE CURDS. They were most delicious and also the most digestively lasting bit of our trip so far. There are five more on the floor right now...If we mail them to you they will probably be fine. Let us know.
We then moved on from the land of Cheese and drove over the Mississippi River into Minnesota, former home of Dr Jill and her 238376599 frisbee boyfriends [some still current???] We decided to stop last minute to get Dairy Queen (big surprise) at Blue Earth, Minnesota, and stumbled across a 50ft high statue of the Big Green Giant (aka the green dude on your frozen vegetables) directly behind the dairy queen. We took some pictures and thought nothing of it until Mamma Balls informed us later that A) It marks the direct middle of route 90 (Boston to Seattle) B) the Blue Earth is the HOME of the ice cream sandwich and C) that this huge thing was in fact 50ft high....haha. Oopsies we found a cool thing by accident. Good thing we are fatties who like dairy queen.
Fatter and happier we continued to drive into South Dakota and stopped at our planned destination, Sioux Falls, South Dakota. We were going to camp but due to laziness and retardedness and simple lack of spine we settled for the Motel 6 on the side of the highway for less than $50 a night. Don't worry, we have locked the door multiple times, although we are pretty sure this is where every horror movie has been filmed ever. We are currently suspicious of the fat man sitting in the parking lot with a leashed wiener dog. Where do they house him at night? There is no zoo........Good thing the wiener dog.....yeah.....there is nothing good about a wiener dog. [Minus Austin's dog]
Quotes of the day:
"I'm peddling with my toe right now." - Jess....apparently able to peddle a car forward using her toe.
Okay not a quote...but....Clarissa called Harry Potter a MAGICIAN to which Balls and Jess got extremely offended and corrected her. Harry Potter is a WIZARD. Magicians are muggles...wizard wannabes. [Clarissa still does not care.]
"Humans have two needs: Sex and Drunk."
"ooohhh ewww. Jess was that you?? Or the street cruncher??" ~ Clarissa [this was after Jess burped. What a street cruncher is exactly is yet to be determined.]
"WHAT THE FUCK!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK. HOLY FUCK. HOLY CUNT. FUCK. FUCKIN FUCK." ~ Balls after a bird FLEW INTO OUR FUCKING WINDSHIELD.
No, seriously. A dumbass bird in Minnesota does not know how to fly right and is retarded and kamakazi-ed our windshield. dumbass.
Tomorrow we go to the Badlands, SD, then we go to Mt. Rushmore and Wyoming and Southern Montana. Hopefully we can update again sometime soon! If you do not hear from us for the next month then maybe call the authorities. Kthanks.
"CHARLEY HUMP!!!!!!!!!!",
Yakko (Balls), Wakko (Clarissa), and Dot (Jessay)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Please Don't Jizz in my Face. I'm Wacktose Intolerant.
[Please note: these figures span three days worth of debauchery and travel, from Ohio to Chicago.]
Bryan Adams: 0 Clarissa is dying
Hot n Cold: 4
Clarissa Coffee Count: 11
5/25 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Jizz Bandit
Definition: (1) Patrick Swayze; (2) David Hasselfohh [Apparently Clarissa skied with him in Aspen? What?]; (3) A masked fugitive who crusades for the causes of jizzers everywhere, jizzing on the rich to make the poor feel better about themselves
Use: Disney Robin Hood:
(1) Robin Hood: Faint hearts never won fair lady.
(2) Prince John: Oh, poppycock. [Jizz] bandits? What next? Rubbish.
5/26 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Whore Sucker
Definition: (1) "A creature that only emerges at night. And comes out and sucks on whores." - Crarissah; (2) A person whose face has genital herpes. Aka... mmm ask us what Peggy said if you really care. You know her.
Use: From 2-5 am this night, the spinach and artichoke dip from the Cubby Bear sucked the whore right out of Balls.
5/27 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Shit Beater
Pronunciation: SHHHH-eeeeeaa-t Bee-tah-r
Definition: (1) A metal grinder, analogous to an eggbeater, used primarily to grind shit; (2) Audrey Siple. Not that you actually care about us enough to read this, dumbbitch.
Use: Make sure you beat the shit to the consistency of velvety diarrhea before adding to the brownies. [Note to the sane: Don't eat the brownies]
RECAP
Monday the 25th: Watched the finals of Nationals. Colorado got their asses handed to them on the men's side, stupid boys dropping pulls and easy points in the endzone...how are we supposed to drool all over your sideline if you are playing so horribly. This forced us to root for Carleton and the three sexy boys that Dr. Jill had 'attended to'/'fixed'/'operated' on in Carleton Homecomings past...we hear it also involved body shots. I would like to propose a new definition of Whore Sucker: Dr Jill.
The Women's game was a little better with Santa Barbara versus Washington. Shamu Skunky O'Malley, pod cousin of Shamu McFlurry, managed to not kill herself by playing the whole game and never holding still for more than 3 seconds even though the rest of her team was getting totally DOMMED. She was still enjoying her poop sandwich in the middle of the field. The poop may have actually come from one of her teammates, Green Shoes. Green Shoes who was constantly on the ground and constantly calling every. single. foul. ever. known. to. ultimate. ever. Seriously Green Shoes, can you just....okay....call more. The game was getting boring and we really liked it when you pivoted directly into that girl 5 times in a row and threw it at her VAG and called a foul.
Things of note: Women's Callahan winner, Georgia Dreads Shamu (of same pod as McFlurry and Skunky) accidentally bumped into Balls in the concession stand line and touched her butt and said sorry. To which balls' response was silent jizz with a smile and a confident turn toward the front of the line trying not to look back for to stop jizz/drool flow.
So, we left Columbus and drove through the schlong dumpster that is Northern Indiana. Gary, Indiana is a place to go, people. Spring Break 2010!!!! We were taken by surprise by the 8 dollars that Indiana makes one pay to get out of its schlong dumpster, fucking tolls! Insane. Entering Chicago was another fiasco in itself with MORE tolls. We were running out of dollar bills and quarters and didn't know what to do!!! Jess and Balls had a meltdown in the front of the car with the only words coming out being FUCK and the occasional ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? from Jess. Clarissa sat in the back and observed and eventually told us to calmthefuckdown. Crisis averted.
Arrival at house of Peggy: Success. Expensive.
Tuesday: We tried to wake up early and kind of failed. We took the 10:50 train into Chicags and had an amazing time on the train with the weird creeper guy asking Balls about Australia and where and what the Great Barrier Reef was. We got the official Peggy Newman Poor Man tour of Chicago and saw all the famous stuff you are supposed to see. We just didn't go in. The Contemporary Art Museum was free so we went and looked at weird art and got confused. Clarissa gawked at the architecture stuff, Jess stared at things that might have been cool if you could understand them, and Peggy and Balls found a bench to sit on and pretended to watch a movie about an old guy that may or may not have been speaking English.
Jess left us to go meet her real friend, Sarah from a school neither of them go to anymore, cause Sarah had tickets to the Cubs game. Peggy, Clarissa, and Balls sat across the street from Wrigley Field and watched the game in the bar called the Cubby Bear...for "free." Beers were 6 dollars but none could resist since they were 16oz cans of coors. Weakness. We met Peggy's real friends and they were cool and had real jobs (if you count working in a box factory as a real job.) The cubs won 6-1 on a rain delay. Yay. Haha Jess was wet and cold.
Today we saw the place of Peggy's work. The Roselle Starbucks. It was fantastic. Balls is jealous of Peggy's headset she gets to wear while working the drive thru. Balls and Kelly (Peggy's dog) had a little tussle and Balls' right middle finger DEFinitely lost. Kelly has big teeth and does not like Balls. But it is okay since Clarissa carries a medicine cabinet around with her at all times.
Anyways, we went into the city again and saw Millennium Park. THE BEAN!!!!! For to take pictures. We also saw a weird fountain that had pictures of ugly people on them that spit water out of their mouths onto deaf children. Not even kidding. This actually happened. We watched the deaf children for as long as we could before we started to feel bad for using them as our primary means of entertainment.
We saw the high school of Peggy (scary). Many phalluses. Jess and Clarissa got Chicago style Hot Dogs, Clarissa's first meat in a year and a half! She is still hoping her stomach is okay. Why she chose a hot dog to be first....we shall never know. But the toilet might later.
Now it is laundry time. Tomorrow we leave civilization to venture further west and will not enter back into civilization until June 9/10 when we get to San Francisco. Updates may be sporadicK. We will try to find sketchy Internet places along the way! Wish us luck. We are probably going to need it.
going 30 miles an hour on North Wacker Drive,
ballsjessclarissa
hahahahaWACKER
memorable quotes that must be included.
Clarissa: "If there was one thing I learned from Coyote Ugly, it's that not all toll booth workers are grouchy."
Peggy [at a Soap shop]: "This smells like poop and ham....EW this smells like old colonial people...and poop and ham. That's what they smell like."
Bryan Adams: 0 Clarissa is dying
Hot n Cold: 4
Clarissa Coffee Count: 11
5/25 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Jizz Bandit
Definition: (1) Patrick Swayze; (2) David Hasselfohh [Apparently Clarissa skied with him in Aspen? What?]; (3) A masked fugitive who crusades for the causes of jizzers everywhere, jizzing on the rich to make the poor feel better about themselves
Use: Disney Robin Hood:
(1) Robin Hood: Faint hearts never won fair lady.
(2) Prince John: Oh, poppycock. [Jizz] bandits? What next? Rubbish.
5/26 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Whore Sucker
Definition: (1) "A creature that only emerges at night. And comes out and sucks on whores." - Crarissah; (2) A person whose face has genital herpes. Aka... mmm ask us what Peggy said if you really care. You know her.
Use: From 2-5 am this night, the spinach and artichoke dip from the Cubby Bear sucked the whore right out of Balls.
5/27 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Shit Beater
Pronunciation: SHHHH-eeeeeaa-t Bee-tah-r
Definition: (1) A metal grinder, analogous to an eggbeater, used primarily to grind shit; (2) Audrey Siple. Not that you actually care about us enough to read this, dumbbitch.
Use: Make sure you beat the shit to the consistency of velvety diarrhea before adding to the brownies. [Note to the sane: Don't eat the brownies]
RECAP
Monday the 25th: Watched the finals of Nationals. Colorado got their asses handed to them on the men's side, stupid boys dropping pulls and easy points in the endzone...how are we supposed to drool all over your sideline if you are playing so horribly. This forced us to root for Carleton and the three sexy boys that Dr. Jill had 'attended to'/'fixed'/'operated' on in Carleton Homecomings past...we hear it also involved body shots. I would like to propose a new definition of Whore Sucker: Dr Jill.
The Women's game was a little better with Santa Barbara versus Washington. Shamu Skunky O'Malley, pod cousin of Shamu McFlurry, managed to not kill herself by playing the whole game and never holding still for more than 3 seconds even though the rest of her team was getting totally DOMMED. She was still enjoying her poop sandwich in the middle of the field. The poop may have actually come from one of her teammates, Green Shoes. Green Shoes who was constantly on the ground and constantly calling every. single. foul. ever. known. to. ultimate. ever. Seriously Green Shoes, can you just....okay....call more. The game was getting boring and we really liked it when you pivoted directly into that girl 5 times in a row and threw it at her VAG and called a foul.
Things of note: Women's Callahan winner, Georgia Dreads Shamu (of same pod as McFlurry and Skunky) accidentally bumped into Balls in the concession stand line and touched her butt and said sorry. To which balls' response was silent jizz with a smile and a confident turn toward the front of the line trying not to look back for to stop jizz/drool flow.
So, we left Columbus and drove through the schlong dumpster that is Northern Indiana. Gary, Indiana is a place to go, people. Spring Break 2010!!!! We were taken by surprise by the 8 dollars that Indiana makes one pay to get out of its schlong dumpster, fucking tolls! Insane. Entering Chicago was another fiasco in itself with MORE tolls. We were running out of dollar bills and quarters and didn't know what to do!!! Jess and Balls had a meltdown in the front of the car with the only words coming out being FUCK and the occasional ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? from Jess. Clarissa sat in the back and observed and eventually told us to calmthefuckdown. Crisis averted.
Arrival at house of Peggy: Success. Expensive.
Tuesday: We tried to wake up early and kind of failed. We took the 10:50 train into Chicags and had an amazing time on the train with the weird creeper guy asking Balls about Australia and where and what the Great Barrier Reef was. We got the official Peggy Newman Poor Man tour of Chicago and saw all the famous stuff you are supposed to see. We just didn't go in. The Contemporary Art Museum was free so we went and looked at weird art and got confused. Clarissa gawked at the architecture stuff, Jess stared at things that might have been cool if you could understand them, and Peggy and Balls found a bench to sit on and pretended to watch a movie about an old guy that may or may not have been speaking English.
Jess left us to go meet her real friend, Sarah from a school neither of them go to anymore, cause Sarah had tickets to the Cubs game. Peggy, Clarissa, and Balls sat across the street from Wrigley Field and watched the game in the bar called the Cubby Bear...for "free." Beers were 6 dollars but none could resist since they were 16oz cans of coors. Weakness. We met Peggy's real friends and they were cool and had real jobs (if you count working in a box factory as a real job.) The cubs won 6-1 on a rain delay. Yay. Haha Jess was wet and cold.
Today we saw the place of Peggy's work. The Roselle Starbucks. It was fantastic. Balls is jealous of Peggy's headset she gets to wear while working the drive thru. Balls and Kelly (Peggy's dog) had a little tussle and Balls' right middle finger DEFinitely lost. Kelly has big teeth and does not like Balls. But it is okay since Clarissa carries a medicine cabinet around with her at all times.
Anyways, we went into the city again and saw Millennium Park. THE BEAN!!!!! For to take pictures. We also saw a weird fountain that had pictures of ugly people on them that spit water out of their mouths onto deaf children. Not even kidding. This actually happened. We watched the deaf children for as long as we could before we started to feel bad for using them as our primary means of entertainment.
We saw the high school of Peggy (scary). Many phalluses. Jess and Clarissa got Chicago style Hot Dogs, Clarissa's first meat in a year and a half! She is still hoping her stomach is okay. Why she chose a hot dog to be first....we shall never know. But the toilet might later.
Now it is laundry time. Tomorrow we leave civilization to venture further west and will not enter back into civilization until June 9/10 when we get to San Francisco. Updates may be sporadicK. We will try to find sketchy Internet places along the way! Wish us luck. We are probably going to need it.
going 30 miles an hour on North Wacker Drive,
ballsjessclarissa
hahahahaWACKER
memorable quotes that must be included.
Clarissa: "If there was one thing I learned from Coyote Ugly, it's that not all toll booth workers are grouchy."
Peggy [at a Soap shop]: "This smells like poop and ham....EW this smells like old colonial people...and poop and ham. That's what they smell like."
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I wish my last name was Tylenol
Bryan Adams: 0
Hot N Cold: 2
Clarissa Coffee count: 2
5/24 Curse Word of the Day: Poop Sandwich
Pronunciate: p-ooooo-puh ssss-ae-nduh-wet-ch
Definition: (1) poop in between two slices of bread; wheat, white, or whole grain (2) three people squatting and the middle person pooping ["It could happen in some sexual fantasy....what would that porno be called...Diarrhea Daydreams??...or Toilet Fantasy??" ~Clarissa is gross I'm stopping this now because she is talking about Hitler and his sexual life.] (3) Mike the Dumb. Synonym: Shit Taco
Use: What wasn't the use today? We had too much fun with it. Basically everything was a poop sandwich - including but not limited to Stanford women beating Wisconsin, Emily's "turkey" sandwich, MTD's face, and Jess drooling chocolate on the bed [actually looked like poop]
3rd day of nationals: Wisconsin dreads girl still out of control. Asia [Clarissa's twin] on Superfly must be on steroids. Washington had that crazy skunky hair girl that skunked everyone on offense and defense and basically won the game and made a poop sandwich in the middle of the field and ate it. The college all-star team vs Team USA showcase game was a huge poop sandwich. Pretty much....I mean.....if those college alum were any good then they would be on team USA so I don't understand why the organizers thought it would even be close to a good game. Bullshit. Poop. Shit taco. THERE WAS ONLY LIKE ONE HAMMER THROWN. Maybe next year college alum...maybe. Maybe you should go back to college and learn how to play better. Then try out for Team USA so you can be on the winning team.
Tomorrow is finals for nationals where we plan on watching and drooling. Maybe we can get more free stuff! Balls got a fat handler visor today! Clarissa is lookin to get an XL tshirt and Jess really wants a hot dog coupon. [She really likes hot dogs people.] After the games we are driving to Chicago to see one Peggy Newman and Jess' friend Sarah who is too cool to hang out with us. If you want baked goods then too bad we are going to eat all of them as we make them in the Newman's kitchen.
So uh I think I have to turn right,
Bajescar
Hot N Cold: 2
Clarissa Coffee count: 2
5/24 Curse Word of the Day: Poop Sandwich
Pronunciate: p-ooooo-puh ssss-ae-nduh-wet-ch
Definition: (1) poop in between two slices of bread; wheat, white, or whole grain (2) three people squatting and the middle person pooping ["It could happen in some sexual fantasy....what would that porno be called...Diarrhea Daydreams??...or Toilet Fantasy??" ~Clarissa is gross I'm stopping this now because she is talking about Hitler and his sexual life.] (3) Mike the Dumb. Synonym: Shit Taco
Use: What wasn't the use today? We had too much fun with it. Basically everything was a poop sandwich - including but not limited to Stanford women beating Wisconsin, Emily's "turkey" sandwich, MTD's face, and Jess drooling chocolate on the bed [actually looked like poop]
3rd day of nationals: Wisconsin dreads girl still out of control. Asia [Clarissa's twin] on Superfly must be on steroids. Washington had that crazy skunky hair girl that skunked everyone on offense and defense and basically won the game and made a poop sandwich in the middle of the field and ate it. The college all-star team vs Team USA showcase game was a huge poop sandwich. Pretty much....I mean.....if those college alum were any good then they would be on team USA so I don't understand why the organizers thought it would even be close to a good game. Bullshit. Poop. Shit taco. THERE WAS ONLY LIKE ONE HAMMER THROWN. Maybe next year college alum...maybe. Maybe you should go back to college and learn how to play better. Then try out for Team USA so you can be on the winning team.
Tomorrow is finals for nationals where we plan on watching and drooling. Maybe we can get more free stuff! Balls got a fat handler visor today! Clarissa is lookin to get an XL tshirt and Jess really wants a hot dog coupon. [She really likes hot dogs people.] After the games we are driving to Chicago to see one Peggy Newman and Jess' friend Sarah who is too cool to hang out with us. If you want baked goods then too bad we are going to eat all of them as we make them in the Newman's kitchen.
So uh I think I have to turn right,
Bajescar
Saturday, May 23, 2009
"I'm gonna need 8 beers." "Tonight at the party?" "No, before dinner."
Bryan Adams: 0
Hot n Cold: 2
Clarissa Coffee count: 3
5/23 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Mouth Skank
Pronunciation: Grace Hwang
Definition: Grace Hwang
Use: Anything relating to Grace Hwang
Nationals day 2: Jizziest game I've ever seen a women's team play: Wisconsin v. Colorado. 10:45 a.m. Dreads girl SO HOT midget girl almost as hot.
Little boys sighted: 5
Little boys sighted lighting off fireworks in the backyard: 2
Megans peeing: 0. Sad panda.
Shamus running: 3. WHOANOW.
Crackers: 0? 1? 2? 3?
Kebabs: 3
D would like to say: Hello Fickley. Imissyou.
Many naps.
Luuuuuurve, Clarclar jess balls
Friday, May 22, 2009
Hot tubs and tighty whiteys DO NOT affect male fertility
Bryan Adams: 2
Hot n Cold: 0
Clarissa Coffee: 3 - 1 meltdown right before cup 3. It's going to be a long summer.
5/22 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Anus Packer
Pronunctitina: ay-nnn-isssss pah-c-rrrrrr
Definition: (1) Waitressbitch at Steak n Shake; (2) Ask Brady Winston aka Beerhands aka Clicky aka Bonobo
Sninonym: Fudge Packer
Use: Really nothing good enough to record. But we did use cunt wrangler a lot and very well.
Nationals day 1. Clarissa napped half the day with Charlay and ran screaming into Gracie's arms. Balls jizzed a lot. Mustache sightings: 3. Jess laughed at Balls and wouldn't stop talking about ho stack. For to learn next year. Matching shorts sightings: 1.
All that happened. Then we got home and heard this.
"MOOOOOOOOOOM. Megan peed and Daddy's yelling at us!!!!!!"
[Enter] Mom busting her ass down the street and around the corner with 3 little girls trailing behind her.
Context: NONE. Suburbia.
peacing out. "does anyone else need to peace out?"
CBJ
Hot n Cold: 0
Clarissa Coffee: 3 - 1 meltdown right before cup 3. It's going to be a long summer.
5/22 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Anus Packer
Pronunctitina: ay-nnn-isssss pah-c-rrrrrr
Definition: (1) Waitressbitch at Steak n Shake; (2) Ask Brady Winston aka Beerhands aka Clicky aka Bonobo
Sninonym: Fudge Packer
Use: Really nothing good enough to record. But we did use cunt wrangler a lot and very well.
Nationals day 1. Clarissa napped half the day with Charlay and ran screaming into Gracie's arms. Balls jizzed a lot. Mustache sightings: 3. Jess laughed at Balls and wouldn't stop talking about ho stack. For to learn next year. Matching shorts sightings: 1.
All that happened. Then we got home and heard this.
"MOOOOOOOOOOM. Megan peed and Daddy's yelling at us!!!!!!"
[Enter] Mom busting her ass down the street and around the corner with 3 little girls trailing behind her.
Context: NONE. Suburbia.
peacing out. "does anyone else need to peace out?"
CBJ
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I just disco stick-ed into my face! Is that bad??
Bryan Adams count: 0 (Clarissa is okay with it only because we have one plus more month to go)
Hot N' Cold: 1
Clarissa Coffee count: 4 1/2
5/21 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Schlong Dumpster
Pronunciation: Shhhh-lownn Duh-mp-st-rrrrr
Definition: (1) Ohio; (2) Western Maryland; (3) a receptacle in which to place ones phallus, jizzy or otherwise.
Use: After almost running over a mattress, a full trash bag, and a beer case, we sighted a dump truck on I-79 North to which Balls exclaimed, "There's that fucking Schlong Dumpster! Stop shitting all over the fucking road!"
Today we drove from Alexandria, VA to Columbus, OH (more specifically Powell, house of Dupont). Audrey and Emily saw us off and Clarissa cried the first tears of our journey after leaving Audrey's arms. She had Charley to comfort her - ie they made out multiple times in the backseat and Clarissa would not stop cooing about him as she talked about Asia.
We were listening to the song "The Way" by Fastball and thinking about how the song relates to The Way of the Frisbee and accidentally missed our first exit...missed the way. Oops. Good start to the trip guys!!! Conversations about attached and unattached dangly earlobes commenced and Jess and Balls decided Jess's were more dangly.
On the horizon of some hill in Pennsylvania we saw a huge boob. Not the usual silo or farm phallus, this was a hulking monster of teat. If a plane flew over it they would call it Pamela Andersonville. Then we soon saw the long awaited sign for a Dairy Queen, where we wanted to go to get fat. Our college educated brains connected these two occurrences to which Balls stated to Jess, "THAT'S where DQ gets their Dairy!" Jess was unenthusiastic until Clarissa proclaimed, "What you've never made ice cream with nipple juice?" (Asia must be a weird but delicious place.)
A competitive game of...that game where you find words with the letters of the alphabet on signs and stuff but in order and IT'S A RACE...was going on. Long story short - the Asian who speaks little English beat Balls and Jess by about 2 hours...at least...It was a race for Z for a long time between the two White Americans, both competitors losing hope at some point. Then of course the first sign for a large city called Zanesville pops up right when Balls is doing the Helen Keller and talking with her hips...and obviously misses the Z. Bitches! She has yet to finish the game and refuses to accept any Z other than a license plate that says 'Zesty'.
Ultimate Nationals tomorrow through Monday in Columbus!!!! DROOL SESH.
Don't get caught driving through a schlong dumpster,
US
Hot N' Cold: 1
Clarissa Coffee count: 4 1/2
5/21 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Schlong Dumpster
Pronunciation: Shhhh-lownn Duh-mp-st-rrrrr
Definition: (1) Ohio; (2) Western Maryland; (3) a receptacle in which to place ones phallus, jizzy or otherwise.
Use: After almost running over a mattress, a full trash bag, and a beer case, we sighted a dump truck on I-79 North to which Balls exclaimed, "There's that fucking Schlong Dumpster! Stop shitting all over the fucking road!"
Today we drove from Alexandria, VA to Columbus, OH (more specifically Powell, house of Dupont). Audrey and Emily saw us off and Clarissa cried the first tears of our journey after leaving Audrey's arms. She had Charley to comfort her - ie they made out multiple times in the backseat and Clarissa would not stop cooing about him as she talked about Asia.
We were listening to the song "The Way" by Fastball and thinking about how the song relates to The Way of the Frisbee and accidentally missed our first exit...missed the way. Oops. Good start to the trip guys!!! Conversations about attached and unattached dangly earlobes commenced and Jess and Balls decided Jess's were more dangly.
On the horizon of some hill in Pennsylvania we saw a huge boob. Not the usual silo or farm phallus, this was a hulking monster of teat. If a plane flew over it they would call it Pamela Andersonville. Then we soon saw the long awaited sign for a Dairy Queen, where we wanted to go to get fat. Our college educated brains connected these two occurrences to which Balls stated to Jess, "THAT'S where DQ gets their Dairy!" Jess was unenthusiastic until Clarissa proclaimed, "What you've never made ice cream with nipple juice?" (Asia must be a weird but delicious place.)
A competitive game of...that game where you find words with the letters of the alphabet on signs and stuff but in order and IT'S A RACE...was going on. Long story short - the Asian who speaks little English beat Balls and Jess by about 2 hours...at least...It was a race for Z for a long time between the two White Americans, both competitors losing hope at some point. Then of course the first sign for a large city called Zanesville pops up right when Balls is doing the Helen Keller and talking with her hips...and obviously misses the Z. Bitches! She has yet to finish the game and refuses to accept any Z other than a license plate that says 'Zesty'.
Ultimate Nationals tomorrow through Monday in Columbus!!!! DROOL SESH.
Don't get caught driving through a schlong dumpster,
US
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Shit we are leaving tomorrow?!?!?
Location: Alexandria, VA
Number of times we listened to Bryan Adams today doing 67934174 errands: 3
Hot N' Cold: 2
Clarissa coffee count: 1 grande Starbucks
So, yesterday while at Barnes and Noble....getting Clarissa coffee after dinner (for to not pass out) we perused the humor section for quite some time. Christy came across one of the hidden treasures of English literature; Creative Cursing: A Mix and Match Profanity Generator [Sarah Royal & Jillian Panarese, Running Press Book Publishers (Philadelphia, 2009)]. A book that not only will increase our cursing vocabulary AND our normal vocabulary, it also has opened up our minds to a world unknown to us - a world full of "dick chunks," "bitch waffles," and "nipple farms." Since this book is possibly the best book ever created we decided to create a calendar curse of the day for every day of our road trip...with one stipulation...the word must be used in a public place everyday by every member of the trip. It will be fun!!!
5/20 - Curse of the Day: Cunt Wrangler.
Pronunciation: [Kuh-nt Rrrrr-angg-luhrr].
Definition: One who organizes, collects, arranges or otherwise dominates those persons of a loose, shady, or vaginal comportment
Use: Clarissa screaming it out of the car window at approximately 50/60 high schoolers from Washington and Lee.
Also purchased at the local Barnes and Noble was the largest book of "Would you Rathers" you will ever see. Example from the book - "Would you rather have your genitalia on top of your head or of the bottom of your left foot?" Needless to say this book will lead to many important, in depth, philosophical conversations throughout the trip. Especially the Midwest.
The last book purchased was, Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander. Within 30 seconds of inspection, to her horror, Clarissa discovered she was 95.8% white. Whiter than Christy, Jess, and even Audrey Siple. "Fuck you coffee, organic food, and outdoor performance clothing!!!" - Clarissa.
Okay, so we didn't spend all day in Barnes and Noble. We also tried to get ready to leave. Like packing important stuff like a can opener, a lantern, half of bottle of Captain Morgan's rum, chapstick, and an Ipod car...thingy. Hopefully, Christy's sleeping bag will dry before we leave and she will pack some clothes...preferably in a bag so she can be sort of clean and not thrown out the window next week for her stench. Hopefully, Clarissa will be able to find her daily coffee(s) everywhere we go, or else...we may never come back from this trip alive. Hopefully, Jess will actually get to Alexandria tomorrow morning. That would suck REAL bad if she didn't.
We're just tryin' to leave tomorrow. Charley the mammoth is the only one ready. Charley update: Clarissa was caught at 8:30 Tuesday morning sewing a button over Charley's trunk. For not to burp. With his trunk and bunghole covered...he is likely to explode. Until then he is the perfect man (to Clarissa). Let us know if you want us to mail part of him to you post explosion.
BYE!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
For to Blog
This is...The Beginning.
The beginning of an epic journey. A journey not to be repeated or surpassed. The great nation of America was founded in 1776 simply because it knew that 232 years later there would be four girls, four women, four mother hucking sisters who would attempt to partake on such a journey: "So crusty it could walk alone." Thong. We have been planning, plotting, googlemapping, documenting and emailing for weeks and weeks, and now it comes down to the final week before our departure. Thus we make the blog.
Two things to know:
(1) Ouch! Charley Bit ME!: We have a woolly mammoth. His name is Charley le Chien. He is an Old World gentleman that hails from the outskirts of Paris. He likes his buttered toast in the morning, an occasional orange in the afternoon, heavy petting and is, just so you know, the best company in bed. Charley stays on his own side of the bed, doesn't heat up the sheets, and is the best cuddle-r this side of the hemisphere. In short, Charley is amazzzing.
(2) Sisterhood of the Travelling Thong: So we haven't updated our hepatitis shots... and we're planning to use public restrooms. FML. Also, there's swine flu in the air (is it contractable via the southern route?) and the momma's are tre-worried about our sitch... Note to self: make appointments for the following vaccines: Hepatitis, Yellow fever, Herp (futile), Guaradasil, and pregnancy. Also must ask doc: Is sharing a single thong between three girls for two months a health hazard?
The beginning of an epic journey. A journey not to be repeated or surpassed. The great nation of America was founded in 1776 simply because it knew that 232 years later there would be four girls, four women, four mother hucking sisters who would attempt to partake on such a journey: "So crusty it could walk alone." Thong. We have been planning, plotting, googlemapping, documenting and emailing for weeks and weeks, and now it comes down to the final week before our departure. Thus we make the blog.
Two things to know:
(1) Ouch! Charley Bit ME!: We have a woolly mammoth. His name is Charley le Chien. He is an Old World gentleman that hails from the outskirts of Paris. He likes his buttered toast in the morning, an occasional orange in the afternoon, heavy petting and is, just so you know, the best company in bed. Charley stays on his own side of the bed, doesn't heat up the sheets, and is the best cuddle-r this side of the hemisphere. In short, Charley is amazzzing.
(2) Sisterhood of the Travelling Thong: So we haven't updated our hepatitis shots... and we're planning to use public restrooms. FML. Also, there's swine flu in the air (is it contractable via the southern route?) and the momma's are tre-worried about our sitch... Note to self: make appointments for the following vaccines: Hepatitis, Yellow fever, Herp (futile), Guaradasil, and pregnancy. Also must ask doc: Is sharing a single thong between three girls for two months a health hazard?
DEFinitely not a health risk. Good thing Clarissa plugged up Charlie's bunghole by sewing a William and Mary patch over it. Charlie will probably get the least STDs on this trip. One - because his bunghole is covered. Two - because he is a mammoth and he pees outside and he is also a boy so....that is just not something we need to get in to. Three - Charlie will not be wearing the thong. We will not let Clarissa put the thong on Charlie. We will try REAL hard to save him from this catastrophic event.
The idea of a crotchless thong has been presented to us...we are still considering all of our options.
Long story short - we can't wait to get started west to meet up with POCH in San Francisco!!! Along with many much stops on the way west including: Ultimate Nationals in Ohio, Chicago (PEGGY!!!), the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Devils Tower (Alien Phallus), Big Horn Canyon, Glacier, MT, the skinny phallus part of I-DA-HOEEEEEEEEE, Spokane and Seattle, WA, Mt Rainier (ie Mt Manure - Clarissa) Mt. St. Helen's, Oregon (secret lovers), Redwoods National Forest, Pacific Coast Highway (PCH - POCH SANS VOWELS), then Poch in San Francisco.
From San Francisco back East...yeah...uh we don't know what's going on either.
As you can see - we have our work cut out for us. Please keep your eyes out for updates as we travel west. You will not regret wasting your time reading the updates. After all - everyone knows how entertaining Clarissa can be in a back seat...for 3000 miles.....praise Jesus hallelujah.
Love,
ChristyBALLS, Jess2, and ClarClar - oh and Charlie
The idea of a crotchless thong has been presented to us...we are still considering all of our options.
Long story short - we can't wait to get started west to meet up with POCH in San Francisco!!! Along with many much stops on the way west including: Ultimate Nationals in Ohio, Chicago (PEGGY!!!), the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Devils Tower (Alien Phallus), Big Horn Canyon, Glacier, MT, the skinny phallus part of I-DA-HOEEEEEEEEE, Spokane and Seattle, WA, Mt Rainier (ie Mt Manure - Clarissa) Mt. St. Helen's, Oregon (secret lovers), Redwoods National Forest, Pacific Coast Highway (PCH - POCH SANS VOWELS), then Poch in San Francisco.
From San Francisco back East...yeah...uh we don't know what's going on either.
As you can see - we have our work cut out for us. Please keep your eyes out for updates as we travel west. You will not regret wasting your time reading the updates. After all - everyone knows how entertaining Clarissa can be in a back seat...for 3000 miles.....praise Jesus hallelujah.
Love,
ChristyBALLS, Jess2, and ClarClar - oh and Charlie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
