Please Don't Jizz in my Face. I'm Wacktose Intolerant.

[Please note: these figures span three days worth of debauchery and travel, from Ohio to Chicago.]

Bryan Adams: 0 Clarissa is dying
Hot n Cold: 4
Clarissa Coffee Count: 11

5/25 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Jizz Bandit
Definition: (1) Patrick Swayze; (2) David Hasselfohh [Apparently Clarissa skied with him in Aspen? What?]; (3) A masked fugitive who crusades for the causes of jizzers everywhere, jizzing on the rich to make the poor feel better about themselves
Use: Disney Robin Hood:
(1) Robin Hood: Faint hearts never won fair lady.
(2) Prince John: Oh, poppycock. [Jizz] bandits? What next? Rubbish.

5/26 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Whore Sucker
Definition: (1) "A creature that only emerges at night. And comes out and sucks on whores." - Crarissah; (2) A person whose face has genital herpes. Aka... mmm ask us what Peggy said if you really care. You know her.
Use: From 2-5 am this night, the spinach and artichoke dip from the Cubby Bear sucked the whore right out of Balls.

5/27 Creative Curse Word of the Day: Shit Beater
Pronunciation: SHHHH-eeeeeaa-t Bee-tah-r
Definition: (1) A metal grinder, analogous to an eggbeater, used primarily to grind shit; (2) Audrey Siple. Not that you actually care about us enough to read this, dumbbitch.
Use: Make sure you beat the shit to the consistency of velvety diarrhea before adding to the brownies. [Note to the sane: Don't eat the brownies]


RECAP

Monday the 25th: Watched the finals of Nationals. Colorado got their asses handed to them on the men's side, stupid boys dropping pulls and easy points in the endzone...how are we supposed to drool all over your sideline if you are playing so horribly. This forced us to root for Carleton and the three sexy boys that Dr. Jill had 'attended to'/'fixed'/'operated' on in Carleton Homecomings past...we hear it also involved body shots. I would like to propose a new definition of Whore Sucker: Dr Jill.

The Women's game was a little better with Santa Barbara versus Washington. Shamu Skunky O'Malley, pod cousin of Shamu McFlurry, managed to not kill herself by playing the whole game and never holding still for more than 3 seconds even though the rest of her team was getting totally DOMMED. She was still enjoying her poop sandwich in the middle of the field. The poop may have actually come from one of her teammates, Green Shoes. Green Shoes who was constantly on the ground and constantly calling every. single. foul. ever. known. to. ultimate. ever. Seriously Green Shoes, can you just....okay....call more. The game was getting boring and we really liked it when you pivoted directly into that girl 5 times in a row and threw it at her VAG and called a foul.

Things of note: Women's Callahan winner, Georgia Dreads Shamu (of same pod as McFlurry and Skunky) accidentally bumped into Balls in the concession stand line and touched her butt and said sorry. To which balls' response was silent jizz with a smile and a confident turn toward the front of the line trying not to look back for to stop jizz/drool flow.

So, we left Columbus and drove through the schlong dumpster that is Northern Indiana. Gary, Indiana is a place to go, people. Spring Break 2010!!!! We were taken by surprise by the 8 dollars that Indiana makes one pay to get out of its schlong dumpster, fucking tolls! Insane. Entering Chicago was another fiasco in itself with MORE tolls. We were running out of dollar bills and quarters and didn't know what to do!!! Jess and Balls had a meltdown in the front of the car with the only words coming out being FUCK and the occasional ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? from Jess. Clarissa sat in the back and observed and eventually told us to calmthefuckdown. Crisis averted.

Arrival at house of Peggy: Success. Expensive.

Tuesday: We tried to wake up early and kind of failed. We took the 10:50 train into Chicags and had an amazing time on the train with the weird creeper guy asking Balls about Australia and where and what the Great Barrier Reef was. We got the official Peggy Newman Poor Man tour of Chicago and saw all the famous stuff you are supposed to see. We just didn't go in. The Contemporary Art Museum was free so we went and looked at weird art and got confused. Clarissa gawked at the architecture stuff, Jess stared at things that might have been cool if you could understand them, and Peggy and Balls found a bench to sit on and pretended to watch a movie about an old guy that may or may not have been speaking English.

Jess left us to go meet her real friend, Sarah from a school neither of them go to anymore, cause Sarah had tickets to the Cubs game. Peggy, Clarissa, and Balls sat across the street from Wrigley Field and watched the game in the bar called the Cubby Bear...for "free." Beers were 6 dollars but none could resist since they were 16oz cans of coors. Weakness. We met Peggy's real friends and they were cool and had real jobs (if you count working in a box factory as a real job.) The cubs won 6-1 on a rain delay. Yay. Haha Jess was wet and cold.

Today we saw the place of Peggy's work. The Roselle Starbucks. It was fantastic. Balls is jealous of Peggy's headset she gets to wear while working the drive thru. Balls and Kelly (Peggy's dog) had a little tussle and Balls' right middle finger DEFinitely lost. Kelly has big teeth and does not like Balls. But it is okay since Clarissa carries a medicine cabinet around with her at all times.

Anyways, we went into the city again and saw Millennium Park. THE BEAN!!!!! For to take pictures. We also saw a weird fountain that had pictures of ugly people on them that spit water out of their mouths onto deaf children. Not even kidding. This actually happened. We watched the deaf children for as long as we could before we started to feel bad for using them as our primary means of entertainment.

We saw the high school of Peggy (scary). Many phalluses. Jess and Clarissa got Chicago style Hot Dogs, Clarissa's first meat in a year and a half! She is still hoping her stomach is okay. Why she chose a hot dog to be first....we shall never know. But the toilet might later.

Now it is laundry time. Tomorrow we leave civilization to venture further west and will not enter back into civilization until June 9/10 when we get to San Francisco. Updates may be sporadicK. We will try to find sketchy Internet places along the way! Wish us luck. We are probably going to need it.

going 30 miles an hour on North Wacker Drive,
ballsjessclarissa
hahahahaWACKER



memorable quotes that must be included.

Clarissa: "If there was one thing I learned from Coyote Ugly, it's that not all toll booth workers are grouchy."

Peggy [at a Soap shop]: "This smells like poop and ham....EW this smells like old colonial people...and poop and ham. That's what they smell like."